Happy New Year!

The Captain poposed to me October 1.

December 1 he was asking for time to "think" and screwed me out of Christmas.

January 1 he finally officially breaks up with me.

January 2 he is back on Match.com with a brand new profile.

Yeah. You read that right.

So if you run across FromNowOn9 on Match.com, AVOID HIM.

Rings & Things

So, the Captain proposed to me on his birthday, October the 1st, and I said yes. When I asked why he chose his birthday, he said that it would be the best birthday present he could ever hope for.

No details, no date set yet, but May 1st is being tossed around.

Hard to believe it's been ten months (funny how I didn't realize that but my ex-husband knew it down to the day) and I've agreed to marry a guy I still only see 2 or 3 times a week.

Hard to believe that he lived less than 5 miles from me for over a year and I had to meet him on the Interweb.

The hardest part is going to be letting him be the man. That's going to be a big adjustment, I've gotten very used to taking care of everything and giving up total control will be very hard. I don't have a lot of practice making joint decisions and letting someone else help.

Onwards and upwards...

The Impromptu Guide for Filtering Online Dating Candidates

Sure, it's picky, sure you might skip a few guys over because of it, but it's what found me Doodlepants.

1) If you email me, you'd better reference something in my profile and know something about it or know what my username meant.

2) No extensive travel for "work".

3) If you were successful in referring to my profile info and I email you back, your reply doesn't use the word "sexy" or even mention going out yet.

4) In fact, you don't even mention going out or give me your private email or phone number until your third email.

5) Don't offer to send me "private" pictures.

6) You meaning the dating woman = Flat out mention something that is one of the most important things in your life - the thing that matters most to you, barring everything else, like if you were on a deserted island you'd be fine if you had X or could do Y.  If he isn't as positive as you are about it, even remotely, no-go.

(Yes, that's very personal, but it gets right to the heart of the matter, doesn't it?  Like, I could live [if pressed] without knitting, but I couldn't live without books.  Granted, it's not like my family doesn't matter, but I also know myself enough to know that I can live without people.  You're addressing fundamental beliefs and character here.  If he says he couldn't live without his Slayer albums or his Satanic bible, bye-bye.)

7) He answers the same  passion/important thing question.  If you aren't *totally* enthusiastic about it, no-go.

8) If he doesn't get along with his family, no-go.

9) If he doesn't mention his salary, no-go.

10) If he doesn't mention his religion, no-go.

11) If he doesn't mention his preference on kids, no-go.

12) Falls in the strict age range, period.  And that means, unfortunately, someone within 5 years of your age.  Kids are fun, but kids don't want to settle down and have kids unless they have mommy issues.

I know this seems ridiculous and dumb, but being this picky worked for me.  Yes, I may have passed over guys who were just shy or awkward, but I don't want to deal with shy or awkward.  Been there, done that.  I don't know what freak stroke of luck sent me Doodlepants, but he met all those conditions and more.  No one else did in three months.

The first big argument

And what is it about?

My ex-husband.

I understand that all men, at some stage of a relationship, will become possessive, or protective, or whatever polite euphemism you want to use for when they start looking at you and picturing you with "MINE" emblazoned across you like a pageant sash.  I understand that men are territorial, which they usually start exhibiting when you're in a room full of people and they find it necessary to touch you in an innocent yet familiar way that will broadcast their ownership of you.  It's humorous, and juvenile, and sometimes exciting in a primitive hormonal kind of way.  But what point is there in being jealous or annoyed by something that is a Past Object?

I knew he was in a mood when I got there, even though he said nothing was wrong, and only after I mentioned the dynamics of being a "we" did he suddenly ask when the past was going to stay the past and when was I going to get rid of the negativity in my life that is my ex-husband?  I didn't even understand him at first, but he said that there is no reason the ex-husband should even be around, especially when the friendship is only one sided, there are no kids or anything shared that we need to communicate about, and the ex-husband is obviously not keen on letting go of me, and he's still a big negative presence in my life even after 3 years.   

I took exception to this, mostly because he was right to some degree, but I also felt that it was damned presumptive on his part to lecture me about it.  I'm allergic to possessiveness.  Possessiveness vexes me and my first instinct is to say "screw it" and walk out the door.  He's not the boss of me!  But then I stopped and thought about it and tried to understand why he felt that he could say that to me, why he felt it was necessary, and why he would be threatened in any way by my EX-husband.  There's a reason I'm Clueless, because I'm oblivious for the most part to the way things really appear.  So is it really that much of a problem?  I can't neatly excise ten years out of my life, no matter how much he'd like me to.  The strangest part was that I have actually started making a concerted effort to have the ex-husband grasp reality and get completely detached.

We went back and forth for a couple of hours and finally just went to bed and passed out because there was not going to be a satisfactory conclusion drawn from the "discussion".  We made a deal this morning over breakfast that tonight we won't fight and there will be no yelling and it will be Valentine's Day.  But it's still lurking, I can see the wheels turning in his head.  I haven't heard the last of it.

It's simple, really.

You love me? Then have the patience to understand that I have to get used to the idea.

Finding a "Keeper"

When I first gave in and finally joined Match, everyone warned me that it was a slow, long process and i'd be going on a lot of first dates. I spent two months writing my profile so that I could be exact and clear about who I am and what I'm looking for - without making me sound incredibly weird or incredibly dull.

And I will admit, I'm weird. I have weird interests and weird tastes and weird hobbies (I like guns and I knit, most of the guys couldn't seem to put them together). I have a strange sense of humor. I'm very independent and strong willed. I made that clear up front. And for the first time in my dating life, I had no expectations. I also had a very clear-cut list of things that were non-negotiable (my therapist made me do it, she said it's a Jewish thing, I have no idea) and how I was going to go about the selection process.

I was extremely selective about who I responded to. The first few days I must have sent 2 dozen "no thanks" responses to winks, and polite "you're not meeting the criteria" emails. If their introductory email didn't make a reference to something out of my profile, it was a no-deal. If they winked, I would read their profile and if there was even a slight hint of "hmm", it was a no-deal.

Out of all the men (and the woman) that contacted me, I only responded to 4 - in person, let me add that. I emailed with several, but it took a lot to get to a phone call. Extremely critical and picky? Yep, that's me. If there was even any hint of something off, like Guy #3's being pushy, and Guy #2's having lived in Alpharetta for 7 years but not knowing where any of the restaurants were, and Guy #4's living in Monroe, they were crossed off the list. I know I probably missed out on some truly nice guys, but I had a very, very specific goal in mind and Doodlepants was nearly perfect.

Doodlepants was the only one I had an instant rapport with, and I think it was because I made fun of him for liking Dostoevsky and we had a debate about the Beat Poets. See what I mean? Not exactly mainstream. With the exception of him watching football and American Idol and me liking guns and MMA, we've pretty much got a lot in common and go about life in much the same way.

Does this all mean that he is a permanent keeper? I don't know. I like him very much and he likes me, but it's still going to take time.

All that aside, I got very, very, very lucky.