Parental Units

I think Doodlepants' parents like me more than he does. They were in town on their way to Florida and were very upset that I already had dinner plans and couldn't visit with them and Tony. His Mother is convinced that I'm The One. I think she pretty much told him that. He just said he thought it was funny. I think he secretly agrees with her.

Road Trip, Parents, Dogs, Superbowl

Doodlepants insisted that I still go out of town with him this past weekend to get away from all my stress and the disaster wreck of a house.  So I finally caved and we went.

I ended up having an amazing time.  According to Mother Doodlepants, God has chosen me for her son.  Okay, that was an interesting go round but she's pretty weird anyway.  When it comes to Dad Doodlepants, I'm the bomb because I'm a geek and I can help with his gadgetry, since Doodlepants wouldn't know an audio jack from dental floss.

I felt very comfortable, and very at home, and it was definitely the relaxation I need.  They have two really cute Shih-tzus, Tony and Carmella. Carmella is just a baby and looks like a Muppet.  

So all in all, it went well.  We did well in the car together (since reading or knitting makes me carsick, I drove, and he read to me) and talked about any number of things, and that was tolerable.  Aside from some squabbling with him about eating and about letting him do things for me, the whole weekend went well.  Dad Doodlepants bought the UFC fight for me Saturday night and the two men watched the Superbowl on Sunday while Mother Doodlepants and I sat on the patio drinking margaritas and her giving me the third degree.  Somehow I ended up agreeing to knit her a hat in magenta.  I don't think I am physically capable of buying magenta yarn.

The surprise came after we got home.  I asked him the standard Neurotic Female question:  Did your parents really like me, or did they just put up with me for your sake?  He writes me back a while later telling me that yes, they adored me and how everything is wonderful and...

He loves me.

Women and their mothers

My Mother is still espousing the idea that I should not let him pay for dinner because that will "obligate" me to "pay him back" for spending his money.

I came right out and asked her why withholding sex seems to be such a big deal to her? Him paying for dinner doesn't obligate me to anything, if I'm going to have sex with him it's because I want to, not because I feel like I owe him anything. I said as far as I'm concerned, he could buy me Piedmont Park and that still wouldn't obligate me to anything because it isn't like anyone made him do it.

Back in her day, I suppose sex was still a commodity for women without any independence. however, there is really no point in me treating sex as a commodity because to me, I want sex when I want it. It's not some prize to be awarded to a guy for behaving correctly, that's just manipulative. You don't buy a car without test driving it, and plus, sex is fun and I don't consider it a gift or a prize that you bestow on someone. That's so old-fashioned that it makes me cringe.

I also just wrote to her that the old cliche used to be that men won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free. The way I see it, why should I buy the pig when I can get the sausage for free?

Men and their mothers

I went and put my foot in it today.  Doodlepants came and picked me up and took me out today because he missed me and he said I needed to get out of the house.  We went down to the Righteous Room and then to a bookstore and had a good time.  While we were at lunch we were talking about marriages and relationships.  He mentioned that he told his mother that my specialty is chicken and dumplings and how I had made a crack about how the "menfolk shouldn't be cleaning the kitchen" after dinner.  Apparently she got a huge kick out of that and likes me even more now.  She and my mom are cut from the same cloth, since my mom is also very big on traditional gender roles.  At family gatherings, the menfolk don't fix their own plates, the whole nine yards.  They eat and then fall asleep in front of the TV while the hens cackle and clean the kitchen.

I asked him how he felt about it, since apparently his last SO was a rabid feminist who felt that she didn't have to do the cooking and cleaning because he could.  I said that I'd never had it traditional, since I'd always been the main breadwinner.  During my marriage I worked the 80 hour weeks and paid all the bills,  and the husband was pretty useless so I hired a housekeeper, so I had no experience being the "little woman".  I said I didn't think I'd mind the traditional if I wasn't the one responsible for the bills, but I'd been responsible for so long that I didn't know if I could give it up.  I asked him what he thought about it, how he felt it should work.  He comes back with "I'd much rather you stay home and not work, especially if we ever have kids."

You could have heard a pin drop.  I think my chin literally hit my chest.  I just sat there and stared at him, and then I think he realized what he said, because he blushed bright red and suddenly got very interested in his food.

I didn't try to change the subject but I seriously didn't know what to say.  We both just concentrated on our food.  Eventually he mentioned that his parents got another dog and we went happily onto that subject.

I've discovered that men whose mothers didn't work are much more inclined to have their wives not work than men whose mothers did work.  I guess it's just the example of what you grew up with, really, that you're comfortable with or learned was the "right" way to do things.

I really think I'm too old and set in my ways to give up my autonomy like that.

Leveling with the parental unit

My Mother has decided that (even though she was calling him my boyfriend at Christmas) things with Doodlepants are moving too quickly - she's jealous that Witty and Mildly Jaded got to meet him first, apparently. So she's giving me all this parental advice - don't do this, do that, don't pay for anything so you don't have to have sex with him (but what if I want to?), don't have sex with him regardless (WTF? Is this 1958?), don't go out more than once a week, don't got to his house, run a criminal background check (what am I, the CIA?)...and on and on.

She's sounding very paranoid and kind of strange. I mean, I know she worries, but she was making it sound like this guy is going to kidnap and murder me. So I told her that I'm 37, I'm no spring chicken and I'm not getting any younger, and that things will happen as they happen. Then I got down to brass tacks.

None of my relationships have worked out. I always picked the wrong guy or the wrong guy picked me. I was married and now I'm divorced. I was seeing someone I really liked who married someone that wasn't me. So far, following the "rules" hasn't been successful and thinking everything to death hasn't saved me from trouble or heartache, so what's the point?

I want to have fun, I want to have a good time. I want to feel fun and pretty. I want to get butterflies before a date. I want someone to tell me I'm pretty because he thinks so, not because he thinks he has to. I want someone else to pay for a change. I want someone else to take the lead for a change. I don't want to overthink things. I know the red flags well enough now that I can put on the brakes if they pop up - like I told her, he doesn't have my house keys or my ATM card, and I'm not planning on marrying him, so we're okay.

Yes, he likes me, a lot. Yes, I like him, a lot. But I'm also much more of an adult than I was when I got married, and I'm also unfortunately a little wiser after the experience with Married Guy. I'm not going into this with any expectations other than having a good time. I'm not obligated to anything, regardless of who pays or if we have crazy sex in his kitchen, and I'm not sure why she's not getting that when I explain it to her.

And the crazy sex wasn't in the kitchen anyway.

The strangest Christmas ever

My mother printed out the picture of Doodlepants that I sent her and carried it with her to my brother's house to "show everyone my boyfriend". Did I miss something? My mother hasn't even met the guy, has never liked any guy I've brought home anyway, (except my ex-husband), and she's already calling this guy my boyfriend? We've been out on a handful of dates. He's a good kisser. But aren't we rushing things a little? She must be jonesing for grandkids again.

Helpful Parents

Despite my glowing description of Guy #1 (henceforth known as Doodlepants, thank you Witty and Jaded) to my mother, she is still trying to fix me up with both her orthodontist (58 with 2 teenaged daughters) and a pilot (50 and also with 2 teenaged daughters).

Okay. I love my mother, but obviously she doesn't get that I am just not prepared to date anyone with teenaged children. Toddlers, babies, okay; welcome, even. Full or part-time custody, okay. But not teenagers. Too much drama.

Second, I am just not interested in dating anyone who makes a living by sticking their hands in people's mouths all day. It grosses me out.

Third, pilots travel, obviously, and extensive travel is on my list of deal-breakers. They also tend to be highly stressed and tend towards alcoholism or other substance abuse. No, thanks.

No matter how many times I try to explain this to her, she keeps insisting. I'm not sure why she's not hearing me.